Updates and a Must-Watch

Hello again, everyone. I'm back for a bit of an update, because I realized how cruel it is of me to deprive anyone of knowledge of my illustrious life.

Acting like an egotist helps me convince myself that people give a shit about me.

Now then, let's start with the fact that I'm finally 21. Yay! I love not having to gaze longingly down the wine and spirits aisle every time I go shopping. Now I only do that two-thirds of the time (I still don't have enough money to drink much), and the rest of the time I go down that aisle and pick something out, show my ID at the check-out, and then try not to look like a totally conspicuous alcoholic. As for my actual birthday, I got to hang out with my best friend. We had so much fun... and mimosas... and she got me the most beautiful cake.

Second thing, I'm getting used to living in Oakland. I had to drop a class I really wanted to take this semester because it was only available at night, and commuting by myself via public transit (which, by necessity, involves a lot of walking) after dark is simply the worst idea in the history of bad ideas. I've realized I was able to make a very similar commute after dark in San Francisco, and most of the time I felt perfectly safe. But those days are over. Frankly, for this reason and a few others, I miss living in the City. And as much as I hate to leave a place once I'm settled, I know I'll eventually have to go back there. Oakland, cheap as it is, is not the place for me.

And speaking of San Francisco, I'm going there this weekend. It's time for Hardly Strictly Bluegrass. Even though I'm going alone this year, it's going to be totally awesome. Why? Because my second favorite band of all time, the Indigo Girls, is going to be there! Holy wow!!! This will be the second time I get to see them on stage, and this time it's FREE!!!! Exclamation points abound! I am so jazzed. Normally when I get to go to a concert, I have this ritual of obsessively listening to the music of whatever performer I'm going to see. And I have been listening to some Indigo Girls, but lately I've had another obsession, and it's a musical one.

Four words: A Very Potter Musical. Heard of it? Well, the whole thing's on youtube, so you've no excuse not to. Here's the first part:



And when you finish loving that, go love A Very Potter Sequel, and a hilarious unrelated (also made by Team Starkid) musical called Me And My Dick. I'm not exaggerating when I say the music in these shows is top-notch. Here's my favorite song from AVPM, just as an example:



Anyway, I highly recommend (insist) you watch these. And then just try and tell me you're not completely in love with Darren Criss's voice. And Joe Walker's... everything. Oh and by the way, Darren Criss is going to be in Glee this season, which is why I've started watching Glee.

Well, I think that's quite enough out of me for tonight. I'll let you know how awesome Hardly Strictly is. Disseperate!

I'm A Disgrace

Greetings kiddies! Today's topic of discussion is stereotypes. Try as I might to avoid falling victim to them, there are some I can't avoid. Some of the stereotype groups I fall into are nerd, girl, and liberal.

Nerd:

• I wear glasses, and I'm damn near blind without them.
• I spend nearly every waking hour on my computer.
• I not only love Star Trek, I could talk your ear off about it.
• I correct other people's spelling and grammar, and I'm a fountain of so-called "useless" facts.
• I have almost no relationship experience.
• I'm not very athletic.
• I lack self-confidence.

Girl:

• Not much upper-body strength.
• I dream of getting married when I'm older (albeit to a woman).
• I get all giddy and obsessed with my appearance when I'm going to meet up with someone I like.
• I like looking at myself in the mirror.
• I get cold easily (this is more of a biological trait common among women, so it's a pretty valid stereotype).
• I'm a sucker for romance stories.
• I love pretty things (like flowers) and cute things (like kittens).
• I enjoy getting people to talk about their feelings.

Liberal:

• I'm pretty laid-back.
• I have little or no respect for Republicans.
• I can get a little self-rightous bout my beliefs.
• I can accept just about any way people want to live their lives, no matter how much it might freak most people out.
• I like going to protests and demonstrations.
• I'm gay, and open about it.
• I respect vegetarians and vegans (though I'm not one).

While I'm not at all ashamed to belong to any of these groups, I sometimes feel bad for adhering to some stereotypes. It feels like I'm bringing down other women by being too girly, or other nerds by being too nerdy. Does that make sense? So what stereotypes apply to you, and how do you feel about it?

Move: Accomplished

Hello again. Well, I'm currently sitting in the living room of my new home in Oakland, typing on my laptop because my Mac is still packed away. I'm looking at the pile of boxes, bags, and furniture in the corner of the room, basically all my possessions. The bedroom that I'm supposed to get is still occupied. For now my stuff stays in the living room, and I sleep in R and D's son's room. I'm not too put off by it because R and D, and their son B, are wonderful people, and already I love living here.

Another thing I'd like to mention is my recent dental work. The appointment to get three of my cavities filled was two and a half hours of pure torture. It started out pretty easy. Turns out my new dentist has some pretty awesome setups for long procedures. I was able to watch shows on hulu while getting my teeth worked on. That distracted me well enough for the first hour. But then there was some shoving of tiny wooden splinters into my gums, and the entire left side of my body going numb from lack of movement... it pretty much just proceeded downhill.

On top of all that, I learn that after only four appointments, my dental insurance for the year is completely depleted. I can't even wait until next year to do the rest of my cavities, because waiting that lokng could end up costing me some of my teeth. So from now until January it's all out of pocket. Out of my parents' pockets and therefor out of my own.

I'm too tired still from all that's been going on to offer my coherent opinion on my own situation, or on the whole health-insurance-issue in this country (suffice it to say nationalized health care would be a real treat for me right now), so I'll ask what you have to say about it. Do you have insurance? Do you like the idea of nationalized health care or are you fine keeping it privatized, and why? If you live outside of the US, what is your country's policy on health care, and do you like or dislike it?

I'm Still Here

Greetings! Sorry for being a bit inactive in the blog realm lately, both in the reading and the writing. Lots of life happening right now, as I'm sure y'all can imagine.

First of all, I've found a home! It's a room in a house located in the Fruitvale area of Oakland. The room is a bit small, but it's all the space I need. The rest of the house is pretty large with lots of common space, which I'm looking forward to sharing with the couple who live there, R and D. They're both wonderful people and I'm glad to have found them. Best part is, they're both fans of Star Trek (and for those who may not know, I am a huge Trekkie). I knew this place had to be my new home when I walked in and they were watching my favorite show of all time, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. R and D also have a young son (who I haven't met yet), two dogs (one of which I did meet), and a hamster (who is apparently nocturnal, lol).

Right now I'm visiting my parents. I've got dentist appointments tomorrow and Friday. Deep cleaning, drilling, all that. Then on the 25th I'm heading back to SF with my mom to pack my stuff, and then moving the next day. Immediately after I move I'll have to take care of the whole school situation and make sure I have classes for this semester. I should have that all set up by now but there was a little snafu with my application and I haven't had time to get it sorted yet. Things will be staying busy for a while.

Before I wrap up with entry, I'd like to thank everyone for their well wishes in my home hunt, especially my frequent commenter Ruth. ^^ I would ask whoever reads this to send a positive thought or two my way in regards to my dentist appointments. The only reason I'm not terrified right now (even though I have so much experience with these kinds of procedures) is because I'm too tired. You don't have to comment about it, but the mental wavelengths would be much appreciated.

My question for today is dentist related. Tell me about the best and worst dentists with whom you've ever had dealings. Just please omit the gory details, as I won't be able to read them anyway.

Stay well. <3

Questions

Hello readers. In today's blog, I would like to pose a question to you. Imagine you have a very close friend who means the world to you. I'm sure for most of you this will be easy to imagine. Now imagine that this person has basically told you that you are their only good friend, that out of all the other people that this person has met and grown to like, he or she has been unable to maintain a meaningful relationship with anyone but you. How would this knowledge affect you? Would you be elated by the fact that this friend of yours loves you as much as you love them? Would you be sad that he or she doesn't have as many deep, meaningful relationships as such a wonderful person deserves? Would you feel guilty for having friends other than this person, and not being able to fully dedicate yourself to him or her?

Now imagine this close, meaningful friend of yours is gradually spending less and less time with you, and that the time the two of you do spend together, your friend seems almost to ignore you. Imagine your friend is about to embark on a new life, one that will involve you very little, or perhaps none at all. How would this make you feel? Would you feel just a little triumphant that even though your friend won't miss you at first, being too caught up in the excitement of a change of pace, eventually he or she will wish you were around more often? Would you then immediately feel like a complete and utter asshole for wishing misery on someone you love? Would you feel like a selfish prick for wanting all of your friend's attention?

Basically what I'm asking for is reassurance. Tell me I'm not crazy, or selfish, or a horrible person. Or tell me I am. Just be honest. And tell me how you would feel in my situation.

Goodnight.

Music Video Time

I was drawing and listening to Pandora when the Natalie Merchant song My Skin came on. First time she's showed up on either of my stations. Anyway, I was really feeling the song, so I went onto youtube to hunt down a good music video using it. I'm a sucker for good music videos, especially featuring stuff I like. In this case, the best one by far was a Harry Potter video, specifically about Hermione. There's a bit of dialogue from the movie in it, which isn't normally to my taste, but it's wonderfully edited, so I want to share it with you. If you like it, go to the original youtube page and let the editor, RDIvideos, know what you thought.



I still can't stop listening to this song.

Armed and Dangerous/Apartment Hunt

Yesterday I went to Oakland to look at another apartment. It's getting down to the wire now. I have to find a place before the 22nd when I go down to Cencal for some dental appointments. But I feel so uncertain about this place. I'll go into that in more detail later though. First, I wanted to mention something that happened on my way to Oakland, which kind of relates to my last two posts about the police shooting and the riots.

Before I say this, I hope I can convince anyone reading who may be a cop or a friend or family member of one to not take offense. I'm just telling you what I feel, and what I feel can't be helped. I was on BART, still in San Francisco I think, when two police officers got on the same car. I always feel a little bit of resentment and anger towards cops when I see them. Don't ask me why. I don't have a huge problem with authority, and I know not all cops abuse their power, beat up homeless people, shoot unarmed guys who are pinned to the ground, etc. I know they put up with some of the harshest conditions imaginable every day. Overworked, underpaid, putting their lives on the line, blah blah blah, all those cliches. Still, I don't really like to be in the presence of a uniformed police officer, especially a male one. They always looks so smug. Then something happened. For a microsecond, I made eye contact with one of the officers. Nothing significant, just both of us happened to be glancing at each other at the same time. Suddenly I was scared, and I realized why these guys can afford to look so smug all the time. They're armed. Like I'd never noticed before, I was suddenly aware of the nightsticks hanging from their belts. Two feet of solid black metal that could probably put a hole in a person's skull if used with enough force. They had holstered tasers. I've heard the agonizing screams of a person being tased. And out of vision I knew they had guns. I thought to myself, if one civilian with any one of those weapons got on the train with me I would have immediately left. Yet here I was, within ten feet of two heavily armed men who could have massacred the entire train in only the amount of time it would take to walk from the first car to the last. And don't think any training or moral obligation to the public would mean anything. I know what people are capable of, and cops are ultimately just people. People with weapons.

The two officers chatted amiably with a man sitting by the door, and then they left the train at the very next stop. But now I don't know what to think. I've never feared the police before. I never really trusted them either, but fear never entered my mind. So I have to wonder what will happen next time I see a couple of cops standing around, looking like they own the world.

Now, on to the apartment. It was a nice studio in a rather old building just a half a block north of Lake Merrit. For the sake of convincing myself that I need to take this place, I'm going to do what my best friend/current roommate C does when she needs to make a decision: I'm going to make a list of pros and cons.

Pros:

Well within my price range.

Close to the lake.

Close to school.

Nice neighborhood.

Nice roommate (for the purpose of this blog, H).

Month to month basis.

My last hope.

Cons:

Very small space.

H seemed unwilling to give me a definite yes or no by next week.

H also seemed a little obsessed with cleanliness.

This general feeling of uncertainty I have about it.

And I'd like to go with my feeling of uncertainty and say that, if it doesn't feel right I shouldn't do it. But I can't really afford to not do it. I need a home soon. I've been looking for about two months. C made the point that since it would be a month to month thing, maybe this could be a transition place for me. So should I ignore my instincts?

Sorry for this novel. I'll leave you now with these questions. What were your first few homes away from your parents like? Did you ever move to a place that you weren't sure about, simply because you needed to? How did it work out? Also, what the smallest space you've ever lived in/ the most people you've ever lived with? My current record for the most roommates is six, not including myself.

Riot Footage

I've found some videos on youtube depicting the Oakland riots of which I spoke in my last entry. This first one is mainly shot from this midst of the chaos yesterday, from two different vantage points.


The second is a video compilation from the Associated Press, showing some of the damage, as well as riot police moving in.


And finally, this last video is from the riots that occurred just after the funeral of Oscar Grant. This one, I think, is the best one to help people understand the mentality of the people of Oakland as they watch their city fall to pieces.

Crime, Punishment, and Outrage

Riots are expected today in Oakland, CA, and might spill over into the rest of the Bay Area. For those of you who haven't heard, the riots are expected in reaction to the verdict of the trial of a BART police officer who shot and killed an unarmed man in the back. Click here for the rest of the story.

The verdict came out earlier today as involuntary manslaughter. When I first heard about the shooting, it seemed like anything but involuntary. The man who was shot, Oscar Grant, was being pinned down by another officer, and was immobilized. Apparently, though, the cop thought he was drawing his taser (how many times have I heard that before?). Looking at some of the video footage, it would seem from the officer's reaction after he shot his pistol that he was a little stunned, like he really did think he was just going to tase the guy. But how ridiculously unprofessional do you have to be to not know what kind of weapon is in your hand before you use it?!

This kind of thing seems to happen pretty often, and I can't help thinking, how the hell did these cops pass their training? And if the feel of a pistol in one's hand really is so similar to the feel of a taser, why the fuck don't the manufacturers of these weapons make them differently, so no one gets confused? Honestly, people, sop messing around. A man is dead and his family is devastated. In fact, the entire city of Oakland is about to be devastated by these riots. I'm moving to Oakland in just a few weeks. Frankly, I'm just glad I don't have any places to check out until Saturday (wish me copious amounts of luck please, by the way, I really want this place to work out).

So What do you think? Was the verdict of involuntary manslaughter fair? Personally, I'm torn by two things in regards tot he verdict. On the one hand, I'm tired of hearing about shit like this going down. On the other hand, I'm fundamentally opposed to the idea of both prison and capitol punishment, and I think our "justice" system is a broken down worthless piece of crap. What would you have happen to this officer? Imagine yourself as a family member of Oscar Grant, but also as the cop. Would you hold BART or even the city of Oakland responsible for not having a properly trained police force? Would you be outraged enough by the incident and the verdict to riot? Imagine yourself a citizen of the Bay Area. How would you react?

Fear Itself

Well, that was slightly embarrassing. Time for a new blog post to push that last one down a bit.

I've been thinking a lot lately about fear, especially after reading a blog post by Lyndsie about this very topic.

I mentioned in my last post that I feel like an agoraphobe. I haven't been diagnosed with this condition, but given how eager most psychiatrists are to diagnose patients, if I only went to see one I'm sure my suspicions would be confirmed. It would save him or her the trouble of flipping to a random page in the DSM-IV and pointing blindly to a mental disorder. (In case you can't tell, my high school psychology teacher taught me, among other things, to be pretty jaded about most modern-day psychiatrists and their tendency to make diagnoses simply for the purpose of writing prescriptions for medications, the manufacturers of which have surely promised some kickback.) Anyway, I've experienced panic attacks and  social anxiety since I was a child, but until recently I'd only joked about agoraphobia. Lately, though, chills run down my spine at the mere thought of going out for groceries. It's not so bad if I'm with someone. I can go almost anywhere with a friend. But leaving my home without the company of someone I know has become nearly impossible.

Huge, panic-attack-inducing fear number two doesn't have an official name, so I wouldn't be surprised if I'm the only person who experiences it. I'm afraid of all things that have to do with pregnancy. This probably stems from my fear of all things medical (I can't watch those hospital dramas on TV or even listen to someone recount a procedure they've had done), but I'm able to distinguish the pregnancy fear from the general medical fear. I looked up the greek word for "pregnancy" (εγκυμοσύνη) and did my best to anglicize it so I could give this fear a name. My best effort is egkimosiniphobia. I first became aware of this fear (ironically enough) in my aforementioned high school psychology class. For some reason, a whole section of the class was about pregnancy. During one lecture, I started to have an excruciating panic attack. Strangely, no one seemed to notice, and I was able to stay in class and wait it out even though I felt like I was going to faint. Now I get nervous seeing a pregnant woman walking down the street, or even an actor on TV who isn't really pregnant, but is pretending to be for a role.

When I was a kid, even with the occasional anxiety attack, I was basically fearless. I know all fears are learned. No one is born afraid of anything. So I have to wonder where and how I learned to be afraid of things that can't really do me any harm. Even fears of spiders or heights or darkness seem reasonable to me. Spiders can bite you, you can fall from high places, and who knows what might be lurking in the dark, even if it's just a chair leg on which you might stub your toe.

So I leave you with this question: what  is your most unreasonable fear, and how do you think you acquired it?